There are times it is almost impossible to tell if a woman is being abused, or if a man is an abuser. An abused woman may take care to cover any physical marks and an abuser may take care not to hurt a woman in a way that will leave physical marks. There are also other types of abuse that don't leave physical evidence at all, such as emotional abuse and psychological abuse. I was told a story once about a pastor's wife who was abused. She was quiet and shy and he was considered an upstanding member of the community and was much respected by his congregation. Turns out he beat his wife quite regularly, but would never hit her in a place where anyone could see the marks left by it.
However, there are some signs to look for:
The Abused Woman...
shows guilt, ambivalence, and fear over living conditions
feels isolated and untrusting of others, even though she may be involved in the community
is emotionally and economically dependant
has a poor self concept (this may not have been true before the relationship)
has observed other women in her family being abused or may have been abused herself as a child
feels angry, embarrassed, ashamed
is fearful of being insane
has learned to feel helpless and feels powerless
has unexplained injuries that may go untreated
frequent or sudden absences from work or school
frequent or harassing phone calls from her partner
insufficient resources to live (ie, money, credit cards, car, etc)
depression, crying, low self-esteem
You May Be a Victim of Abuse if You...
are frightened of his temper and feel like you have to walk on eggshells to keep him from getting angry
feel you can't live without him
stop seeing friends or family and give up activities you enjoy because he doesn't like them
are afraid to tell him your feelings or worries about the relationship
are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his feelings; have the urge to 'rescue' him when he is troubled
feel that you are the only one who can help him and that you should try to reform him
find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behavior when you are treated badly
stop expressing opinions when he doesn't like them
stay because you feel he will kill himself if you leave
believe that his jealousy is a sign of love
have been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him when he was jealous or angry
believe the critical things he says about you to make you feel bad about yourself
are accused of having an affair with no evidence or reasoning of any sort
believe there is something wrong with you, even if you don't enjoy the sexual things he makes you do
believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and woman should do and be - that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him
(some people) have been abused as a child or seen their mother abused
The Abusive Man...
shows extreme jealousy and keeps the woman isolated
has an inability to cope with stress and shows a lack of impulse control. (this may not necessarily appear outside the home)
has a poor self-image and blames others for problems
shows severe mood swings
may have a history of abuse in his own family and may have been abusive in courtship
presents a history of personal and/or family discord; unemployment, cruelty to animals, abuse of alcohol or other substances, and other unexplained behavior
is often unwilling to seek help
shows a need to control everything he can
is manipulative
is generally disrespectful to women
Almost Always Seen in an Abusive Man...
has a history of past battering
threatens violence
hits or breaks objects
shows a use of force during an argument (such as grabbing and holding your arms to keep you from walking away)
